My eyes are open. I feel empty. Heavy.
The hurricanes have passed. The breeze is cool. Almost fresh. Like a blanket of my mother’s arms, wrapping me in comfort from the storm.
Soft whiffs of floral tease under my nose as the veil of dust and smoke sit in stillness all around.
I sense the gorgeous prairies of cascading color off in the distance, but I can’t see it from here. It must not be far. One day I’ll float among their beauty again.
Today, I stand in darkness. My stomach is uneasy but a sense of knowing pulls me on.
Something deep within me feels a loving energy. An essence that calls me onward, calls me home.
I feel rays of divinity as they infinitely and unendingly expand. My body vibrates with desire for something different. Something more comfortable than this place. Something more fulfilling.
It’s been a long while since I’ve breathed in peaceful beauty of the rushing river of nature or the moon. Was I a child the last?
I am not a child anymore. It was long ago.
Here I am. Lifetimes past.
Pushing. Pulling. Resisting. My thoughts and emotions are polarizing. Stop.
Stand tall.
Breathe.
Silence.
In the stillness, The electricity awakens my brain. A shift. An opening. New energy.
A lighter energy.
Yes. I want more.
Breathe deeply. It’s here.
Yes. The winds of change are blowing. Source of nature, life and love. I hear you.
Thank you, universe.
I can do this.
I can believe in myself.
I can trust in myself.
I may not yet. But I have the ability to figure this out. I must. For my survival, I must.
It matters not who I was. Only who I desire most to be.
I cannot change the past. Known or unknown, I cannot control the future.
Here I am.
This eternal now. The only true existence.
Here, where my feet stand. I’m suspended in an exhilarating and never-ending experience of this moment. I glimpse around. Everything is moving, everything is shifting. Always unpredictable, always available. Nothingness.
It’s overwhelming. Freeing. Breathe deeply.
Breathe, that sweet breath.
Breathe it in again.
Ascend to the surface. Fly away.
The stillness of the wide-open space. Like the plains of the African desert. New perspective.
I focus not on the weight holding me down, but instead I root the four corners of my feet, pressing upon the Earth. Sinking into the firm dirt. My body numb.
Feel the ground. Allow it to absorb the suffering. Let it go.
I’m here. My eyes are open. I am awake.
Sensually grasping down with my feet, I sense the space below my body. Orgasmic.
I feel at one with the trees that inevitably tower in the distance.
Can you see me? I feel you.
Gazing to the sky, I open my chest in gratitude for my existence. For my breath. For my light.
I reluctantly close my eyes. It’s scary there.
I stretch my neck long, I bask in the rays of the warm sun. They aren’t there, but I can feel them.
My attention between my eyes at my forehead, I begin to tingle. I see light. Color.
Even though it exists only in my mind, I wonder.
What is this source of freedom within me?
I’ve been reaching out, but instead it calls me in.
Here I stand.
Floating like a cloud I have the sensation of being suspended, this time in air. Slightly higher than my physical body. Escape.
I hold the humanly form, but I am not human.
Is this freedom? Faith? Source? Me?
Has it always been there?
Perhaps.
How divine.
Oh, but my back is pulsating like waves of raging lava overflowing from the depths below.
This is hard. How will I go on?
Stop.
Breathe.
One breath at at time. That’s right.
Remember, the eternal now? New choices are always available to me here.
Neural. Physical. Emotional. New connections are being made.
Expansion.
Consciousness.
I choose to elevate. Evolve.
This. This is how.
Ah ha! I get it.
I must lose myself. Forget. Let the nothingness overcome me.
I must let go.
All boundaries. All identities. All forms.
I then, will find my destination.
Yes, that feels right.
I must let go, now.
Let go of who I think I am. Of the pain. The fear. The resentment. The anger.
Release the hold of others’ opinions.
What do I stand for?
Infinite possibilities.
Yes, this is right. I feel lighter. I want more.
I know not what the source of this power is, but I am willing to reach for it, walk towards it.
Even here in this darkness, I can sense it’s presence.
I had forgotten about it. Pushed it aside. Buried it deep below.
I’ve been surviving. Constantly stressing. Constantly worrying. Fleeing.
Faith. I didn’t need that.
Oh, but I did. I do.
Faith in anything will do, but I choose to have faith in myself.
I’ve been lost for so long. How did I get here?
My head! This endless chatter. My mind feels like it’s going to explode. My head is pounding. My focus scattered. I want to change but it’s hard.
I’m drawn back by the demons that lurk in the dark.
They disguised themselves as the voice of myself, my loved ones, friends and strangers.
Hidden behind these demonic mirrors, I came to believe what they represented.
I’ve followed blindly.
The push. The pull. The noise fills my mind and confuses me.
Are my beliefs even my own? Am I thinking for myself?
Nothing feels like my own. I don’t feel like me.
Who am I? Who do I want to be?
What mattered only yesterday, means less today. The hills of trouble that collided and formed into mountains. I abandon that land.
I’ve lived in that resistance. I created those mountains. But I survived their storms.
I’ve allowed the tension to infiltrate my energy and tighten like a noose. It suffocates me.
Like the plague it’s taken over, my muscles, my nerves...they are burning.
This pain is my truth. How is this so? Does it have to be?
No. No. No! It doesn’t have to be. I can do this. I’ve heard it can be done. I can change my reality. I can flow to a simpler place.
A place where, when I sit the truth finds me. It’s up to me. Breathe.
Relax my facial muscles. Good.
Roll my neck, shoulders back. Pull in my belly. Point my hips and toes forward. Yes.
There... Better.
Now, breathe…..
The choice is with me. It has to be. I have to rely on myself. There is no one else here.
If nothing else, the last brutal season taught me strength and courage.
Taught me to detach from the person I used to think I was. I abandon that stranger for a new. But it has taught me a great deal more.
I could have been crushed. I almost was.
Yet, here I am.
The season taught me patience, gratitude, acceptance. Release.
The tragedy taught me compassion. The pressure taught hustle. The speed brought thoughtful appreciation for nature. The silence an inner confidence.
I could go on all day, but now I focus here. Now. Next.
I can’t live in the past. It’s not possible for me to thrive there.
No, I must not settle here either. It’s too dark, too hard. I want more.
My true home is out there. Over the next horizon, perhaps?
Now, is the time to forge ahead.
Why now?
Now, I see clearer. Now, I am stronger. Now, I choose to be a warrior of my own destiny.
This destruction has to mean something. It will not be for nothing. It was brought to me to better prepare for what’s next. What exactly is that?
Of that I am unsure, but now is the time I forge a different route. Explore a different future. It’s time to leave the trail of aimless wandering.
Meandering. That’s how I got me here. Unconsciously drifting about.
No more. Now, it’s time for me to choose. Select. Design. Create a different map.
It’s time to align with my truth. Live in congruence with that inner faith and source of eternal love.
I’m on a mission. A journey for ultimate oneness. I only get one chance. I will not screw it up.
With the last breath from physical to the spiritual realm, comes a sense of urgency.
Death brings a swift desire for momentum towards a more intentional life.
It reminds me of our humaly dispensability.
Breath - the lifeline of this bodily existence. It’s still with me. Breathe.
It also brought fear.
Fear not of life lost, but of life not lived.
Fear of passing with regret and sorrow for what never was. For what could have been.
Sadness. Emptiness. Failure. Pain.
My hands cover my face, but I can still peer through the gaps.
Perhaps my attention to the pain has stuck itself to me. Spiraling downward in a vortex of doom.
That is not my destiny. I am made for more.
WIth the circling gusts of the storm I’ve been living out my worst fears. Over and over and over.
I fear loss, change, success, the journey.
Like those are bad things?
Change is inevitable. It’s always upon me. The signs are there. This is the right path, the right choice. But I must be open to the signs. I do believe in signs.
Life is a miracle. I will seek love in its beauty.
I will absorb my surroundings. I will understand where I am.
I don’t know what lies ahead, but explore this rubble, I must. Familiarize myself with it.
I never want to be here again.
I can influence the outcomes. I am not a victim of these circumstances.
So, I will learn before I move.
It’s the path to everlasting change.
Here in this emptiness, I must face my hard truths. I must embrace what is. I must forgive and release the fierce grip of my past.
I shall become the observer. Be guided with my third eye. Let it guide me.
It’s time to rattle the demons that lie within.
To fight back.
I am ready now. I can do this.
It’s time to break free.
It’s time to explore my darkness.
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