Here I am. The rubble all around. I can barely see through the darkness. The air is heavy and polluted. It tastes grainy. Last I remember, life was comfortable. I had a routine. I wasn’t unhappy.
In the blink of an eye, I am surrounded by the unidentifiable. Remnants of a life I once knew are present all around. An uncertainty lingers near.
How’d I get here? What’s causing all this pain? Why can’t I see?
I forgot how quickly things can change. I feel alone. My head is pounding and my breath short and constrained.
I’m pinned under the weight of the shrapnel that’s piled high around. I suppose I could have guessed I’d end up here. Ok, it’s crossed my mind, but I feel worse than I expected.
This place seems familiar, but I am lost. My thoughts are raging.
Ouch...my body hurts.
This is my life, but it’s not where I thought I’d be. It feels wrong. I feel...not like me.
My spirit is broken. My faith non-existent. My future appears dim.
The loss I’ve endured and the stress I embody is immense. The distance from my ideal reality is equivalent to the Grand Canyon in size. I know I must venture toward healing or risk losing my soul; possibly my life, in this darkness.
I’ve never been more aware of life’s preciousness.
I held the hand of death, after all.
It’s blessed me with eyes of a fresh perspective.
I feel sadness. I feel emptiness. I feel heavy. Yet, I sense hope.
Somehow, in this catastrophic ‘ending’ I feel the warmth of a new beginning. This moment came with all the chaos and power of a category 4 hurricane.
As quickly as it came and demolished, it ceased.
This place is now unrecognizable. It hit hard, over my body, my mind, my spirit and my relationships. In a seemingly unending relentlessness, time rushed like a whirlwind and stood still all at once.
The life I once knew, now exists only in memory. Glimpses of moments frozen in time.
It’s a new world today.
I am lucky to be alive. We all are.
I am a fighter. Navigator of the storms. I’ve fought many wars. l’ve forged through many battles. I’ve entered many dimensions. The miracle of my breath lives on.
I will endure. I must evolve.
I’ve been playing so many roles. They all seemed so important. But now…. Now, they barely exist. Those once defined meticulously structured identities - vanished. Poof.
Some particles still waver, but no longer in the same forms.
A child. A lover. A human.
I don’t want to go back. I long to got back.
That’s not an option, but I want something more. Dare I whisper “something easier”. “Something happier.”
I am exhausted by the marionette of each past identity. Each individually dancing as the Demon of Blind Existence mischievously wiggles about with evil pride.
No, no, no. This cannot be. I am no doll. I am no victim.
I am a survivor. I do what it takes. I am a warrior.
I’ve been lost in my desire for control. Mostly, of that which I cannot control. How ironic.
No wonder I am so tired.
I’ve been asking for change. I begged for it.
Well, powerful source of nature, you delivered with a bang. I hear you loud and clear.
I understand now. It’s congruence I seek. It’s a master of my Kingdom, I must become. My thoughts, my actions, my existence. That’s where the alignment of song and dance reside. Where true reign can root.
I open my arms to receive. I allow in the balance, wellness and healthy control over my life.
But, who am I?
I’ve been wandering aimlessly about. If I continue this path, what’s it look like next time I am sitting here? Can I endure one more catastrophe? Would I survive? I never want to be this helpless again.
It doesn’t matter. Here I am. I have a choice. A choice to rise up. Aim a little higher. Have a little faith. A simpler existence sounds pretty nice. I’d love to offer my family that.
But who do I want to be?
I’ve never asked myself that before. Who must I become to master this kingdom of life and heal the energy within me?
I cannot be what I was before. Absolutely not. This hurricane season swept that person away.
I am fed up. I am no longer the one who feeds on the toxicity of lies, poor choices and cultural expectations. I no longer live in other people’s truths.
I no longer live with my eyes closed.
I choose my own truth. One I like and one I am proud of. From now on, I design my own reality.
Although tattered, these roots exists deeply and from here I honor and grow this new me.
My eyes are open now.
I feel the breeze.
Take a breath.
It’s time to get up.
It’s time to look around.
It’s time to find my way home.
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