I’m not a crier, but today I can’t seem to hold it together. The last few weeks have been challenging. Maybe it’s because I’m sick? Maybe it’s lack of sleep from several consecutive days of wee-morning hour insulin checks and administration? Perhaps, it’s solo-managing while Dad travels? Maybe it’s the additional education? Maybe it’s guilt or fear? Probably a combination.
Emotions are high with sickness, growth spurts, high blood sugars, little sleep, changes we’re still maneuvering coming out of Hurricane Season and growing concerns over the long term effects of Zander’s rise in A1C.
People say the first year with Type 1 Diabetes is the hardest. I hope they’re right.
I thought we were sailing through and doing great (we probably are), but the thing about T1D is you are always learning more and adjusting. It feels some days as though ‘getting easier’ is a myth we tell ourselves to fight on. Maybe it is? Maybe not?
Do we learn more as time goes by? Yes.
Do we worry more? Yes.
Do we adjust? Yes.
Does it always work? No.
Can we control it? Not really.
Can we let it get us down or allow it to rule our days? Absolutely not.
We push on with less sleep, more worry, continual unexpected scenarios and a deep seeded hope for a cure.
It’s a heavy burden to carry and makes me sad for our little ray of sunshine who has to carry this heavy load for a lifetime.
Living life meal by meal. Constantly wondering if this is the right action and what this decision will bring.
Nonetheless, we do our best to keep spirits high, giggle loudly, play often, and love intensely. Some days are still excruciating. In fact, many days are lately, but we still find the joy.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m making note of reality. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine. There’s no reason to pretend it is.
This is truly the life of a Warrior. The battles, the victories, the defeats and everything in between.
As a parent, we can’t give up. We can’t hold back. We must continue on and make the most of the cards dealt to us. We must do this to teach by example.
So, today I will wipe away my tears and smile in the face of fear. I won’t hide my pain but I won’t complain either.
I’ll simply sit in silence to offer gratitude for the lesson we’re learning and give thanks for the precious life we still hold in our hands.
I’ll love my son, my family and myself a little harder, because today that’s what we need.
That’s what I need. 💙
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