Life is a maze. Beautiful. Complicated. Surprises around many corners. Turns and doors that lead to completely different universes. To survive, we must travel alone, always knowing there is something or someone that can guide us to our next successful passage. The combination of our choices and the predetermined path guide our journey. Our ambition and values guide our reactions to the both right and wrong turns. From this we can either learn a lesson or become defeated, but there are only two choice. Press on or be consumed by the maze.
Truth is, our choices lead us to the next decision, but the maze chooses our destination for us. Sometimes the only way forward is through the next door set in front of us. Sometimes the only thing you can do is focus, take a deep breath and step thru to the next passage.
I entered a new door recently. A door that leads down the path to the unknown. The only clues of what lie ahead show signs of pain, heartache and unwanted experiences. But that is ok. I've faced tears, excruciating pain and fears over and over again. This time will be no different. Not unlike before, I will stand tall, fight hard and do my best to make as many best choices as I can.
So what door did I walk into? For the 3rd time in under 5 years I walked into a world consumed by cancer. The first door was breast cancer. A diagnosis given to my half-sister. The second, Leukemia. An unexpected and lifetime diagnosis to my mother about 2 years ago. The third and most recent door, the door to MDS. A high risk diagnosis given to my father that required immediate and aggressive treatment.
MDS is a rare bone marrow cancer that starts in the blood and doesn't allow the body to produce healthy white blood cells, red blood cells and/or platelets. My dad has been diagnosed in the high risk stage. So what does this mean? Well, I'm not exactly sure yet, but it certainly means there is very high risk of defeat looming. It means we've already started chemo and it means he needs a bone marrow transplant very soon.
I can't really sugarcoat things because the numbers speak for themselves but we are choosing to remain optimistic and hopeful that he will make it through the first 6 months of chemo treatments and that he is accepted to receive a bone marrow transplant. It's crazy to think that what started as feelings of fatigue turned into a check up for the flu then surged into treatment in only 8-9 weeks. Diagnosis to treatment was less than a 2 weeks period.
Cancer doesn't discriminate. It attacks the young, the old, the sick, athletic and many in between. It throws stones at you, puts trapped door in your path, and sends angry beasts preying your way.
As I begin to figure things out, watch over my dad, keep my mom from over exerting herself helping, remain present with my family and my work and continue to build the path to my dreams, I keep looking deeper inside. Wondering what I can prepare for and what will knock me on my ass. Truth is there is no preparing. Truth is now is the time living moment by moment is the only way to live.
I've been a focused basket case. Keeping a short list of top priorities and knocking them down one by one in a compartmentalized fashion is getting me by. It's hard having a family plagued by illness. It's defeating having both parents with a cancer diagnosis. It's frustrating being the only one in your immediate family not living with cancer. It's a struggle trying to remain present and making sure the day-to-day priorities get taken care of while you continue to work full time, build a side business and get everything in order that comes with a cancer diagnosis and treatment. It's work keeping composure and strength when you want to break down at every corner. My world is shaken and it feels like a ton of weight pressing on my shoulders; yet, surprisingly, I feel fit to handle this with tenacity, presence and knowing I will come out stronger on the other side - no matter what.
Reality is, I am doing ok. Breathing helps. Mediation helps. Unhooking helps. Staying busy helps. Thankfully. I know this will give me more depth and is likely preparing me for something more. I also know this new door will not defeat me, take me down or make me loose hope. I know whatever happens, things will be ok. I will be ok.
I will face the uncertainty with focus and strength because one thing I know for sure is life doesn't stop. I won't stop. I will defeat this passage as I have walked through many unwanted doors before.
The maze will not give, but neither will I. So bring it on. Throw the fire. Throw the rain. Throw all you've got. Somedays I will falter, some days I slide back, but in the end no matter what this maze of life holds, I will not give up. I have a little set of eyes watching my every move and that's what I will focus on. Bring it universe. I can take it.
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