Head spinning. Vision blurred. Muscles tight. Lips puckered. Words of defense lining up for battle. “How could she think that? What gave him that idea? Why don’t they take responsibility for their own actions? What are you thinking? What is wrong with people!” It was clear. I had to slow down. I had to take a break. I had become so overwhelmed by the loud voices and constant stream of negative stimuli I was consuming that I couldn't hear my ‘self’ clearly any more. How did I get here? Why am I so angry? These emotions are not pleasant. These thoughts are not healthy. This isn’t me.
The time had come. I had to shut off social, disconnect from the media, and take a time away too reset to a healing mindset. To come back to center and ground myself again, I had to disconnect.
With all the stressors circling in today's world, I got sucked into the opinions and emotions of other people.
I got sucked in with sonic force.
I am human.
My anxiety skyrocketed, anger, angst and confusion spun me up into physical and emotional pain. When this happens, I loose my own perspective. In loosing my perspective, I loose the sense of self that I work hard to create and embody. The open minded, level headed, empathetic and honest human I curated myself to be, identity.
As I sometimes do in drastic scenarios, I pivoted hard. I went dark. I unplugged and I cut out everything possible that wasn’t a priority or doesn't exist beyond these four walls. It sounds selfish, but by taking drastic measures, and doing what needs to be done to maintain a state of emotional control and mental order is not a selfish act.
A selfish act would be completely ignoring my own needs by pretending everything is ok, when it clearly is not. Such behavior leads to feelings of sadness, frustration, bitterness and isolation that my family has to endure as I bottle up my emotions. Not the kind of connections I seek to foster in this life.
SELF-PRESERVATION IS SOMETIMES ACCEPTING THE DEATH OF WHO WE ONCE THOUGHT WE WERE.
In overwhelming times like these, I’ve learned to turn to an intense level of self care. An act of self care is allowing ourselves to do the hard things (like shutting down and walking away) when our emotions are pulling us deeper into other people's stories and pulling further away from our own values. When our beliefs are being challenged or we can’t seem to grasp onto the truths we seek, this is when self care is of the utmost importance.
The beautiful act of pulling away from the outside world in an effort to care from within, is self preservation. In this way, we can allow ourselves to regain perspective and claim control of our emotions. We can revisit our beliefs and align our decisions back toward our desired destination. A healthier, more loving existence that starts here first.
The first few days of the fast, I felt relief. So much so, that I considered my reaction as a mistake. However, pushing through those moments in a commitment to go at least a week, I learned how attached I had become to social media. Even more, I awakened to the attachment I had to an identity that no longer suits my life in the same way.
In this awareness, I began to feel a sense of loss. I have experienced a lot of loss recently, so the feeling is all too familiar. It was strange to succumb to and accept my feelings that a piece of me was missing. Why had social media become such an integral part of my day, that without it I felt a clear association to grief?
The answer for me was simple. I had spent nearly every day over the last 13 years writing and publishing content to the social-sphere. Growing my own business and the businesses of others through marketing was my growth path. Writing for social media had become an integral part of who I was. I processed feelings, got creative, and leveled up my life using social media as a tool for escalation.
That is no longer the case. Social media holds a different space in the life I am leading today as the stay-at-home-mother, regrouping after a long hard season of life.
No wonder my emotions stirred furiously without the daily presence of the algorithmic messages that pierced my eyeballs and consumed my creative mind.
It took nearly 3 weeks for me to recenter and feel grounded in myself again. Even still, I find myself a bit reluctant, as I tip toe slowly back to my beloved social media accounts. As I reenter, I bring with me a revised sense of awareness and clarity as I publish and consume content.
I have to keep reminding myself of my values and commitment to a healthy, intimately connected life of healing and happiness. I have to keep reminding myself that often times, my new identities don’t have space for the same things in the same ways any longer, and that is okay.
Since the pause, I’m finding more joy and peace within new boundaries I created for myself and the world around me. It is rare for me to turn to this coping technique, but it’s one I’ve used at several major junctions in my life. It’s not always popular, but when life gets to be too much and when I need to find my footing again, drastic measures of isolation are sometimes the best way to recenter in a heightened perspective. I’ll choose that.
How are you overcoming your anxiety in these extremely challenging times?
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